April 15, 2016

 The Black Muslim Time UK’s very own ‘Soul Surgeon’, Aadam Muhammad, a qualified life coach, will be here to provide expert marital advice to our readers.


As salamu alaykum brothers and sisters.  I hope you’re doing well and filled with positivity.

In our last feature, we looked at the foundation of building a great marriage – that being developing yourself to have the inner qualities needed to be a valued life partner. 


Well, today we’re going to be focussing on understanding the uniqueness of male and female natures and how we can use this to create peaceful and harmonious marital relations – all the time!


Just before we get into this, it really needs to be said that understanding the natures of males and females is certainly not a natural science.  We mustn’t think that this can be as simply explained as water always boiling at 100 degrees Celsius.


We share many qualities as males and females so there is no right and only way to fully address this.  I will be using general statements throughout as the length of this article will not allow specifics.  Let’s all keep an open mind as we go through this!


Women are from Mecca – Men are from Medina?


The eternal question of nature vs nurture.  Are we naturally as we are , is it how we are nurtured from birth, or is it even a combination of the two?  Well, here are two lists that may help us make some headway!


Females generally tend to be: Interconnected, subjective, neat, tactful, intuitive, collaborative workers, nurturers, comforters, passive, patient and kind, gentle/meek, sensitive/sincere, democratic, artistic, literary, responsive, generalists, selfless, listeners.

Males generally appear to tend to be: Independent, objective, active, competitive, logical, decisive, providers, directors, aggressive, bold, courageous, strong, autocratic, spatial thinkers, motivators, speciality teachers, selfish, doers.


As I’ve already said, we may all well share some of the above characteristics and remember – it’s not a precise science.  I’m sure you may know some women who have qualities that are found in the male list and vice versa.  This lack of absolute surety is what has helped to fuel this enduring discussion.  However, the enlightening thing about this question is that it opens us up to not trying to seek an ultimate answer – but helps us to discover how we can make lemonade out of the lemons that life has given us!

It’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it!

So, if we’re different (and we can or can’t help it) then what are we going to do turn this to our advantage?


I’m going to suggest that we:


Recognise the differences – we’re not supposed to be the same!


If the differences are there, and we recognise them for what they are, then trying to expect, or worse still force your partner to be more like you, is bound to create resistance and potential resentment.  Recognising these differences when you come across them should help you to remain at peace.


Respect & accept the different male and female tendencies – they complement each other. If these differences can’t be automatically changed, then what other alternative do we have but to just accept them? 


By doing this, we’re showing that we sincerely respect each other and that we have the capability to live and let live.  Remember that our differences can complement each other – as long as we don’t try to force one and other to be and do otherwise.


Empathise – Put yourself in their shoes e.g., How is s/he feeling? How would s/he react? What thoughts might s/he be having now etc.


Always doing this before you react is a powerful ability to develop as you move towards a successful marriage.  By doing this you’ll be able to ask yourself how your partner may be thinking and feeling – before you then respond.  If, for example, s/he is showing that they are unsure about the way the marriage is going – to expect full, immediate and genuine commitment from them at that time will be unreasonable.


Balance – All of the aspects of your nature and develop a complimentary lifestyle with your spouse.


Our natural and nurtured qualities can, and should, complement each other. The only one who can do this for you – is you!  By carrying out all of the above, you’ll find you have a greater sense of agreement, happiness and balance within your marriage.


Always look to find balance and common ground as you learn to understand each other better.  This is where you will begin to see that your efforts have blossomed into the foundation of a truly blessed union.


Your 30 day marriage coaching challenge


The list of general male and female qualities stated above is not a complete list.  There are lots of other qualities that exist that we should be aware of as we strive to understand ourselves and each other.  So, for the next 30 days, I’d like you to think about:

  1. What qualities you have, and make a list of them.

  2. Are your qualities natural, nurtured or a combination of both?

  3. When do you tend to portray these qualities the most (places, people, situations )

  4. Why you react as you do? Is it something you can’t help or a habit that you’ve acquired?

  5. How will you be able to build greater balance and compatibility into your marriage?

Please let me know how you get on with this exercise and let me have your comments. I’d be very interested in seeing how much you’ve gained from it.


Final thoughts



 “O people, keep your duty to your Lord, Who created you from a single being and created its mate of the same (kind) and spread from these two many men and women.  And keep your duty to Allah, by Whom you demand one of another (your rights), and (to) the ties of relationship.  Surely Allah is ever a Watcher over you.”  (Holy Quran, Chapter 4 verse 1).



Interestingly, from this verse, we can see that males and females must share similar and essentially qualities – especially if we’ve been created from a ‘single being’.  In fact, we have much more in common naturally than we may truly consider.  This possibly shows that the rest is practices we’ve picked up throughout our life.  Having the self discipline and control to consistently follow the Quran (“keep your duty to Allah”) is therefore the most important and vital part of men and women understanding each other in their quest to produce a successful marriage.


So, what‘s next?


In the next feature, we’ll be looking at part one of ten key areas where Muslim marriages tend to be fail and how we can ultimately begin to overcome them.

See you for the next article inshAllah!  Wa alaykumu salam wa barakat tuhu


© 2016 A. Muhammad.  All rights reserved.

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